I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
