i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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