I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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