i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
