My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
