We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
