I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
