I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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