i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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