dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize