My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
