Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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