I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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