Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
