you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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