i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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