i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
