Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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