She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Randomize
