I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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