watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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