she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
