I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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