if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
