dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
