piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize