Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
