your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
