I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
