Moan for me like Helen Keller
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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