I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
