I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
