The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
