peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
