i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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