He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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