I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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