I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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