just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize