When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
