Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
