i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
