she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
