By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
