Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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