Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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