well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize