I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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