Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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