It's Friday. Sex?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
