Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
