I accidentally had phone sex last night
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
