Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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