I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
