i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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